The 501st List
by I-Don't-Have-A-Name123
Summary: At the request of Admiral Yularen, all troopers, commandos, ARCs, and Jedi are to obey the following rules. That includes you, Skywalker. (Rating may change to T, but no higher.)
1. Rules 1-5

Don't own anything. This is just the start. I'll have more when I can find my notebook...dang thing went AWOL.

* * *

**The List**

_No one really knows when it first appeared. Probably after the last bolo-ball incident. At any rate, everyone now knows about it._

At the request of Admiral Yularen, all troopers, commandos, ARCs, and generals will abide by the following rules, no exceptions. **That means you, Skywalker.**

1) Commandos are no longer allowed to teach troopers how to play "the beautiful game." I'm sure we all remember what happened when a certain someone got too into it. I'm not going to mention any names.

(Below this, someone had scrawled "Hardcase" in parenthesis.)

2) Commandos are also not allowed to bring uj cake onboard. I can't believe how many fights the stuff caused. On second thought, yes I can.

3) When the Wolfpack is here, do not, I repeat do NOT mention Wolffe's eye. The man's grumpy enough as it is, and I don't feel like writing a report explaining why a couple of morons from Torrent are in sick bay.

4) No trying to mind influence the messdroid into giving seconds. Troopers, you are not Jedi. Generals, why would you try to influence a droid? They don't have minds!

(That last statement caused all the droids to go on strike, prompting an apology from the captain.)

5) This is for the men of Torrent Company. Commander Tano is not to be bothered on the third week of a galactic standard month. You will be held responsible for your own stupidity.

5b) And no, I will not tell you why. Just stay away, you hear me?! - A.T.

(Only one trooper, a shiny, did not heed to this rule. He now lives in fear of the little commander.)


	2. Rules 6-10

Don't own.

_Continued_

6) Going back to rule 2. What did I say about the cake? Next one to get caught will be joining Fives and Omega squad scrubbing the place down with their toothbrush.

7) No pestering the Alpha ARCs. I don't think I need to elaborate. Everyone should know they're borderline insane...

8) Shinnies (and Commander Wolffe), leave General Skywalker's droids alone. I know the gold one's annoying, but he gets the job done. Usually. Plus, the little astrodroid will shock the piss out of you, and I don't want to hear you whine. You have been warned.

9) I know many of you enjoy bolo-ball. But please, keep it civil. Kix is tired of having to bandage people over fights after the game, and frankly, I'm tired of listening to him moan and groan.

(The next time Rex came in for a minor injury (the medic would never let a brother suffer serious pain if he could help it), Kix was none too gentle and "forgot" to administer pain relievers.)

10) Bringing an animal onboard and claiming "It followed me home" will result in said animal being returned and the offender on latrine duty for a standard month. This place is already a circus. We don't need to add actual animals to the act.

(Despite this, a trooper named Stick managed to sneak a pet aboard almost a standard week after the rule was posted. It's been five standard weeks since, and Captain Rex still hasn't a clue.)

10b) And yes, children count, too.


	3. Rules 11-15

Don't own.

_Continued_

11) Hardcase is no longer allowed to have caf. He shouldn't have had it in the first place, as a matter of fact. When I find out who gave it to him, you will be in a world of hurt. - Kix

(To this day, no one has fessed up.)

12) Dirty holozines are banned. You will hand them over to myself or General Skywalker to be disposed of. Just how the heck did anyone manage to get their hands on them?

(A raid on the quarters proved to be rather..._productive_. There were a _lot_ more holozines than originally thought.)

13) Okay, the ship-wide game of paintball has to stop. All paint-ball guns are to be handed over to me, and you better hope I don't shoot you with them myself.

(Once again, nearly every trooper forked over a gun, much to the amusement of the general. Rex now believes he's found his culprit. Now, proving it on the other hand...)

14) The next person to write "Kiss Me, I'm Lonely" on my armor will be thrown out the airlock. Whoever did will fess up NOW, or will wish the Separatists had gotten them.

(It happened three more times before Commander Cody was caught. Rex, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan were shocked. Anakin couldn't stop laughing.)

15) General Skywalker is no longer allowed to walk about the ship without supervision. He may be a grown man, but he acts like a child more than his apprentice...and us come to that.

(Anakin was not amused. Obi-Wan was.)


	4. Rules 16-20

Don't own.

_Continued_

16) Reassembling commando droids using parts from the battlefield, re-writing their programming, and putting them in armor to get out of patrol duty will not be tolerated. Offenders will be forced to teach Jar Jar Binks how to handle a blaster. *insert evil laughter*

(Many troopers were disappointed. And frightened.)

17) Who in all of the nine Corellian hells messed with the caf maker in my office? The damn thing blew up in my frigging face! When I find out who did it, what Captain Rex did to Commander Cody will look like nothing in comparison! NOTHING!

(No one would go near the Admiral for days.)

18) Shinnies, I don't care what anyone else has told you. Walking in on a female will only get your tanned-ass kicked from one end of the ship to the other. Ask Fives or Echo.

18b) Scratch Fives. It would be in your best interest to just walk away whenever he begins a sentence with "Females like it when you..." - Echo

(A shiny named Trip walked around with a rather spectacular black eye and a noticeable limp for a week after entering Ahsoka and Bariss's shared quarters on a bet. He also now lives in fear of the commanders.)

19) After the latest mess brawl, the fruit called eddermelon is banned. No exceptions. No matter how fantastic it tastes...

(Everyone lamented their loss.)

20) No commenting on the relationships of Jedi and clone officers. Not only is it childish, it's a very, very bad idea.

(Commanders Bly and Gree both punched out a few non-clone personnel for their...poorly chosen words towards said relationships. One had a distinct hand-shaped mark about the size of a female's.)

Note: Eddermelon does not really exist, obviously. It's basically a mix of watermelon, mango and whatever fruit people like. You can breed it with other fruit to come up with whatever flavor you want.


	5. Rules 21-25

Don't own. Note: I might be ending this pretty soon. I'm running out of ideas, and I kind of want to make one-shots of these. So, think of the list as an outline.

_Continued_

21) I can't believe I have to say this, but shaving cream is to be used for shaving ONLY. Whoever put it in General Skywalker's pillow needs to own up. I really don't want to explain where I was or who I was with at the time of the prank.

(No one confessed and EVERYONE became interested in the captain's private life after that.)

22) Pilots, no racing the TIVs. I don't even know where to begin with this one...

23) To the commandos in charge of demolitions: what the HELL were you thinking? The next person to hold a literal "demolition derby" really WILL be thrown out the airlock.

(Everyone was impressed at the amount of chaos two bored commandos could create.)

24) I warned you about Commander Wolffe, didn't I? No, he will not be charged. Yes, the three idiots who decided to make fun of his eye_ to his face_ will be, however. So will anyone else if they try in the future.

(All the clones, and quite a few non-clone officers, laughed at the three mongrels every time they passed the sickbay.)

25) Troopers, once again, you are not Jedi. Do not try to pull a Skywalker. You will only get yourself and everyone around you killed.

25b) For the record, no one can really describe "pulling a Skywalker." You will know it when you see it. And you better hope I don't see it. - Kix

25c) Ditto. - Echo


End file.
